Got a toothbrush?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
