$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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