I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
