Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
