Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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