two words...techno handjob
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
