well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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