i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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