this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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