You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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