I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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