and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
