Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
