my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
