I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want nice things and good sex
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
