Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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