This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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