eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
