By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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