I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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