I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
