I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
