I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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