I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
