Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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