This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
