i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
