Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
