Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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