Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
