that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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