a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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