Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
