Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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