Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
