It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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