Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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