I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
