apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
