when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
