My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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