Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
