I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
