You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
