My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I currently don't understand fingers.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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