My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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