i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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