my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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