he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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