how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
