I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
